GolightlyGrrl's Blog

Well, it’s finally here, the time of the year where I chuck my remote at my TV and scream, “Give me back my life!” Actually, it’s the season finale of American Idol. A new winner of the Idol will be crowned. All of America has been gripped by a very close race, and I don’t mean the race between Hillary and Obama. After over 92 million votes, one of the Davids will be this year’s American Idol. But first Ryan introduces the judges. Why is Randy dressed like a cross between a pimp and Captain Kangaroo?

Huge crowds in Kansas City and Salt Lake City are cheering on their hometown favorites. Mikalah Gordon from season 4 is in KC and Matt Rogers (who?) is in Salt Lake City, which appears to have more blondes per capita than any other US City. Wow, I thought Milwaukee had a lot of blondes.

The top 12 tells us to “Get Ready” and sing while the “So You Think You Can Dance?” crew provides some fancy footwork. The only dance moves the Idol-ettes can provide is some arm waving.

Now David C enters the stage and lil David A joins him to sing a song whose name I don’t remember. Their brotherly relationship is very sweet and they sound good together. But is David C really wearing a wallet chain? Really? Oh, Cookie. You are so better than that.

What is an Idol results show without some Fox product placement. Mike Myers is here to hawk his new movie “The Love Guru.” As Guru Pitka, he serenades the double Ds with his sitar and gives them some sage wisdom. He tells David C he needs to shave, and tells David A that he will be growing hair in weird places. And I need a drink.

Speaking of drinking, Syesha is now singing “Waiting for You.” However, I would like to thank Idol for teaming her up with someone a bit more current, Seal. Remember Kat’s befuddled look when she was teamed with Meatloaf? You think Kat would used to old men.

Next, Jason sings one of the highlights of the season, “Hallelujah.” I could do without the squeeing from the peanut gallery. And why isn’t he singing with someone? Are Harold and Kumar not available?

Hey look! It’s Mindy Doo!

It’s the final pimpmercial of season seven. The contestants sing “Let the Good Times Roll” while scenes from past pimpmercials roll across the screen. Cookie, I love you. But if I never see you in a lime green matador outfit, it will be too soon.

Top 6 girls sing a medley of Donna Summer hits and are soon joined by the Queen of Disco. I just love Brooke’s dress. It’s so retro. And I know Amanda would rather be hanging out at some biker bar, swigging from a bottle of Jack, but could she look a bit more enthused? She isn’t so much “Hot Stuff” as much as she is “Lukewarm Matter.”

A brand new duo, Shocking Departures, featuring Idol bootees, Carly and Michael entertain us with “The Letter.” My letter to Carly and Michael is Zzzzzz............

Speaking of Zzzzzz...., Jimmy Kimmel is on board to roast Ryan and the judges, and give an overview of the season. Did we really have to revisit Simon’s pepper mill nipples?

Now it’s time for the top 6 guys to sing a Bryan Adams’ medley, and Bryan Adams joins them. I think they sound better than the girls. Right now David A is thinking, “”Summer of ‘69”” was like a million years ago!”

An Idol experience at Disney? What could be cheesier?

Joined by ZZ Top, David C sings their classic, “Sharp-Dressed Man.” David C is having the time of his life, and gives us a peek of what one of his concerts would be like. I can’t wait for his solo tour.

We go back to Kansas City, and Miss Gentry, David C’s music teacher is ready to rock in her David C T-shirt.

Brooke is joined by Graham Nash and they sing “Teach Your Children Well.” They sound terrific and I am so happy Brooke refrains from stopping and starting.

The Jonas Brothers come on the stage, and because I’m out of the training bra stage, I decide to check out what’s happening on “Law and Order.” Yea, the Jonas Brothers are cute, but too bad their testicles haven’t descended yet.

Aww, look at the cougar Ryan found on Match.com. His new love, Pat, helps introduce the “Best of the Worst.” I wonder if Alexis Cohen is actressing or not. However, we don’t have to worry about Reynaldo Lupuz. He is back to entertain us with “I Am Your Brother.” This time he is backed up by the USC Trojans band and cheerleaders. Oh great, here comes Randy and Paula. Simon decides to sit this one out. Chicken.

It’s time for David A to perform and he sings “Apologize” with OneRepublic. So this is what the kids are listening to, Mildred? I wish someone would apologize to me for taking five minutes of results and stretching it to two hours.

Last year’s winner, Jordin, sings her new single “One Step at a Time.” Sadly, her dress looks like a “Project Runway” reject. Damn, still a half hour to go ‘til the results.

Gee, those Pips sure look like Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey, Jr.

Season four’s winner, Carrie Underwood, sings “Last Name.” Sorry, she’s not my Idol cup of tea. Is it the results yet?

Now it’s time for the top 12 group sing. The two Davids, and this season’s losers sing a medley of George Michael hits. Ooh, Cookie looks absolutely resplendent in a suit and tie. And I’m jonesing for Brookie’s frock. But George Michael comes out to show them how it’s done. He sings “Praying for Time” and it’s goosebump city. He truly has one of the best blue-eyed soul voices around.

Before we get to the results, the judges have some last minute words for the final two. Randy says that David A and David C are both winners, dude. Paula gives her usual Hallmark sentiments of “It’s not the finale; it’s the beginning.” And Simon actually apologizes to Cookie. I never thought he had it in him.

Now it’s time for the results. And the winner of American Idol Season Seven is...DAVID COOK!!!!!! OMG!!! SQUEEE!!!

David is clearly overwhelmed and his heartfelt tears are touching. I’m positively verklempt and so proud of my fellow Word Nerd. I hope when he finally gets into the studio to lay down some tracks for his first post-AI CD, the powers that be have faith in him as an artist. I want him to make the music he wants to really make. Is that too much to ask? I’ve been impressed with David throughout most of the season. Not only is he very talented, he’s also a total mensch. I like that in a person.

Well, that’s it, my last Idol recap of the season. It’s time for me to take a well-deserved break. See you next year, kids.

Cue up the “Rocky” theme. It’s the battle of the Davids, David C vs. David A. Or as my friend Jo-Jo brilliantly put it, “Hot vs. Tot.” We’re at the Nokia Theater and the Davids are ready to rumble (gee, this boxing theme is lame). I’m just happy to know I weigh less than David C.

Ryan introduces the judges. Paula is pink and sparkly, just like her pills. And Randy and Simon are sporting jackets but are sans ties. We find out that Clive Davis (fresh from his crypt from the depths of hell) and Andrew Lloyd Webber are back to act as mentors. And I’m sure Clive will give us a snooze-inducing sales report Wednesday night. That’s bathroom break time.

David A won the coin toss and will go second. But do the judges have any last minute advice for the Rumbling Ds? Randy tells us that they have to bring everything; it’s a duel for the King of the Nokia. Paula advises the final two to enjoy themselves, soak it up, and may the best man win. Apparently this is also her mantra when she goes out to Les Deux on ladies night. Simon tells the Davids they must have a desire to win and they should hate their opponent. The Davids trade sweet comments to each other because unlike Simon, they don’t have lumps of coal where their hearts should be.

First Round-Clive Davis’ Pick

Clive picks U2’s iconic “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” for David C. Okay, now I have to like Clive just a wee bit. I’ve been a huge U2 for more than half my life, and if any contestant is up to the challenge, it’s David C. He’s in fine form in both voice and performance. He connects with the lyrics and the audience. David C is so ready to rock some giant rock stage. Is he “even better than the real thing?” Not exactly, but he is worthy. Can you imagine Kristy Lee making this song into a hoe-down? Eesh!!

For lil David A, Clive picks the Elton John classic, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” At first, the performance starts as standard issue David A fare, but as the song gets going his performance gets stronger. He seems to have cut the puppet strings, and shows a lot more energy and wee bit more artistry on stage. Already, tweeners are planning on decorating their bedrooms in full David A regalia.

Round Two-New Song Contestants' Choice

As you probably heard by now, AI sponsored a songwriting contest. I didn’t have the stomach to listen to them, but David C and David A did. David C chose “Dream Big” for the second round. I’m not blown away. “Dream Big” sounds like a track even the DAUGHTRY! would have rejected for being too derivative. The song is chockfull of clichés but that’s to be expected for an Idol coronation wannabe song. David C gives this song his all, and seriously rocks out. Plus, “Dream Big” is rather catchy in the chorus.

David A sings “In This Moment,” which is not “A Moment Like This.” Now, this song sounds like the typical Idol coronation song, which in means it could be a graduation song for the next “High School Musical.” The lyrics are beyond sappy, but David A’s voice sounds divine.

Round Three-Contestants’ Choice

Now it’s time for the Davids to choose any song to sing. During this round, David C sings Collective Soul’s “The World I Know.” He admits that he has never sung this song before. This could work for him or against him. Some may appreciate David C for taking a risk and others might have wanted him to sing one of his earlier showstoppers. However, I think David C is up to the challenge, and I liked his performance. I appreciate how in one moment he can totally rock out and then show his tender, sensitive side.

David A does not take a risk and sings “Imagine” by John Lennon, which he sang several weeks ago. Sure, David’s voice is a joy to listen to, but I find my mind wandering during his performance. I barely remember it once it is over. And hold on, judges. Don’t quite crown the boy king the winner of American Idol. Unlike the tweeners, I’m not quite sure I want to see his face on pillow cases when I shop at Target.

Well, it’s now in our hands. Our texting and dialing fingers will determine the next American Idol. Season two winner Ruben serenades us with “Celebrate Me Home” while footage of the highlights and lowlights of AI’s season seven flash on the screen. I make sure a bottle of wine is chilling in my fridge. Wednesday night is going to be a long night.

Were you among one of the 56 million votes that came in Tuesday night? Well, I have to admit I was. I just had to throw a few votes David C’s way. Yes, I am pro-snark and I vote. But will the few crumbs I threw towards Cookie be enough to keep him in the competition? We’ll soon find out.

Hey look! It’s Ramiele, Kristy Lee, Michael, Carly, Brooke...and Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Before we get to the rest of the night, Ryan introduces the judges. Simon please button up your shirt. Half of America has just eaten dinner.

It’s time for the group sing. The two Davids and Syesha sing “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.” Well, I wouldn’t be so sure kids. David C looks like he just got done cleaning the garage. I love ya, Cookie, but you should dress up a little on results night. And could the dance moves be any cheesier? But hey, look at Randy and Paula get down with their bad selves!

After a commercial break, we get one of the last pimpmercials of the season. Singing “Heaven,” the contestants find out their future, which apparently includes appearing on an episode of “Cribs.”

Tuesday night’s performances were brought to you by the law firm of Cook and Cowell.

Sporting a new red hairdo and backed up by the Ikettes, Fantasia sings her single “For Me.” It’s all raw and gritty, and you just know the brigade of blondes in the mosh pit are seriously confused. And from the look on his face, so is Simon. Well, you always complain about lame cabaret, Si. This is not lame cabaret. It’s, well, I don’t know what it is.

Lil David A is summoned to Ryan’s side. We learn what David did when he went back to Murray, Utah. Um, where? He gets big hugs from the cheerleaders, which is far preferable to the swirlies he got from the jocks just a year ago. David has really grabbed the Hannah Montana fanbase, hasn’t he? Hey, I didn’t know Rollie Fingers got into politics.

Now it’s time for Syesha to join Ryan and share her hometown visit to Sarasota, Florida. Syesha, ever the politician, hugs some babies. She has a family reunion with the Mercado crew. And she gives a Miss America speech at her old high school. Wow, Mayor Luann is pistol!

Not only does David C join Ryan, so does his little bro, Andrew. It was Andrew who initially wanted to audition for AI but it is David who is going for Idol gold. And aren’t our lives better for it? David goes back to Blue Springs, Missouri, just outside of Kansas City, for his hometown visit. Wow, David can report the weather to me anytime. His surprise visit to his elementary school music teacher is quite sweet as are David’s school pictures. A fellow cheesehead drove 10 hours to cheer on David and David got to throw out a pitch at a Royals’ game.

Okay, I must be mellowing because I actually got teary-eyed watching everyone’s hometown visit. But who will duke it out next week? Well, it turns out the finale will feature a humdinger between the double Ds. David A and David C are, not surprisingly, the final two. Syesha sings her swan song but Broadway awaits.

Before we get to the night’s proceedings Ryan let’s us in on the thrilling three’s day jobs. David A is daddy’s puppet. Syesha toils as a mean girl. And David C works as a broke-ass musician (AKA bartender).

But which one will call “Idol Winner” their new job? A lot hinges on Tuesday night’s performances. The contestants will sing three songs, one chosen by the judges, one chosen by themselves, and one chosen by the producers. This should be interesting...I hope.

Round One-Judges’ Pick

Paula chose Billy Joel’s “So it Goes” for the boy king, David A. Well, Paula must have had a lucid moment because this was actually a good choice. I like how David started singing a cappella. It showcased the richness of his voice. Plus, his performance was void of the usual overwrought boy-bandish embellishments that have marred his previous performances. I guess not being under the smothering influence of Daddy Dearest Archuleta has paid off. David’s first performance was a great way to start the night. Hey, Mildred, what’s that? Are pigs actually flying?

Randy chose Alicia Key’s “If I Ain’t Got You” for Syesha. If I ain’t got you, Syesha, I guess I’m doing okay. As I’ve mentioned before, Syesha has a lovely voice, but I feel nothing when she performs. She never seems to connect with the song. She’s a performer but not an artist. Plus, I don’t think this is a good song choice. Syesha can’t help but get compared to the notable Alicia Keys and it’s not in her favor. And on a shallow note, I miss her natural afro. This weave makes Syesha look so generic.

Simon picks Roberta Flack’s classic “The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face” for David C. To be honest, David looks less than thrilled what Simon chose for him to sing. It could be a stretch for this season’s rocker boy. However, all doubts are dissipated once David starts singing. Though this song is different than what David usually sings, he’s up to the challenge. His voice shows range that I don’t think we’ve ever heard before, and he conveys both the tenderness and vulnerability of the lyrics. The contestants are often told to make a song their own, and David actually does it. Granted I’m a bit biased because David is my favorite of this season but I think this is one of the best performances in the season. And is that Mama and Daddy Cook in the audience? Aww, it’s so sweet.

Round Two-Contestants’ Pick

David A decides to go contemporary and sings Chris Brown’s “With You.” It’s good to see David sing a more upbeat and sing a catchy song, but it’s so odd to hear this human Wonder Bread use the word “boo.” And I also think he messed up some lyrics but I’m not sure. His voice seemed to falter over some of the words. Hip-hop flavored R & B is just not the right genre for him. However, if the producers of the KidzBop CDs need someone sing this song for their next release of watered-down musical covers, David is their boy.

Syesha sings “Fever” and that rumbling is Peggy Lee rolling in her grave. I think it would be funny if Syesha fell off her chair (and you call Syesha a mean girl, GolightlyGrrl?). Syesha vamps it up like a two-bit chantoosie and once again my mind wanders during her performance. I can only think of how other contestants would sing this song. If I’m not mistaken, Paris from season 5 sang “Fever” and did a fabulous job, and she’s nearly ten years younger than Syesha.

David C sings Switchfoot’s “Dare You to Move.” I’m not very familiar with this song. The song seems too low in the beginning for David’s register. And just as the song gets going it ends. It really didn’t show David’s skills as a singer and performer. I found this round very tepid, not even his electric guitar excites me. I hope the next round is better.

Round Three-Producers’ Pick

David A sings “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. I’m not a fan of this lite-AM 1970s song, but I’m sure baby boomers everywhere are getting misty-eyed with nostalgia. “I danced to this song at my prom, man.” Not surprisingly, David makes this song very sickly sweet and now I have diabetes. Thanks, kid. And the waving hands in the mosh pit are really starting to get on my last nerve. Do these young whippersnappers know what actually happens in a mosh pit?

Syesha sings”Hit Me Up” by Rihanna. Oh, don’t tempt me. Sure, the song is catchy but I can barely recall it only a minute after she performs. At this point in the game Syesha has to bring the “Wow Factor.” Instead, she brought the “meh factor.” If it's up to me, Syesha won’t make it to next week.

David C sings Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing.” Gee, what are the producers smoking? They have just picked the most boring songs for the contestants to sing, including David’s schlockmeister pick. Of course, David brings this song his all and does a decent job. However, it can’t compare to his first performance of the evening. I think it’s that performance that will carry him to next week.

Well, performance night was an odd night. I liked the two Davids’ first round performances but most of the night was a bit lacking. I was hoping the contestants would have better song choices but they disappointed me. And the producers totally threw the contestants under the bus with their piss poor choices. David C, David A and yes, even Syesha deserved better.

Did you listen to Ryan Tuesday night and vote? Well, apparently a lot of you did because over 51 million people voted and it’s a very close race. But sadly, someone has to leave us on results night. Who will it be?

But first there is some business to tend to. Ryan introduces the judges. According to Paula you can wear that ugly bridesmaid dress again. And Simon is surprised about the disastrous song choices the contestants made. To me, at this point of the game (seven seasons of AI) Simon should not be surprised about disastrous song choices. He should be comforted. It’s a crazy, messed-up world we live in but knowing some kid will pick a song so ghastly that it makes the baby Jesus cry makes me feel all warm inside.

Oh gee, it’s time for the group sing. The contestants sing “Reeling in the Years” and I’m trying to reel in the vomit. This is such a talented bunch but they have zilch chemistry together. By this time they should have bonded but it’s as if they just met and are still wary of each other. I keep thinking of Elvis week on AI two years ago. Taylor, Kat, Elliott and the DAUGHTRY! sang a medley of Elvis songs and looked like they were having a load of cheeseball fun. But this time out, I get nothing.

After the group sing, we get treated to an overview of the previous night’s performances. What a thrill...

Finally we get to the first of the results. Little David A is summoned to join Ryan. There is a place on the Sofa of Safety with his name on it. David A is safe.

But before we get to find out more results, we learn what kind of shenanigans the Idol-ettes get up to when they’re not on-stage. David C, David A, Jason and Syesha flew to Las Vegas on a luxury jet (oy, the carbon footprint) and got the star treatment. They met lots of their fans and some cute dolphins. Ooh, Syesha’s green dress is gorgeous! I want it! The contestants also got to see the Cirque du Soleil tribute to the Beatles, which to me looked rather creepy.

Okay, more results. David C is safe and gets to sit his cute booty on the Sofa of Safety. Syesha and Jason are left in the wings. But of course, we won’t find out which one is leaving us until later in the show.

The pimpmercial is to the Johnny Clash classic “Ring of Fire” and the contestants are dressed as bullfighters and are fighting a car. This is odd.

It’s my favorite time waster of the evening, the viewer calls. What did we learn, class? David C says “we’ll see” when asked if he’ll go on a date with Emily from Pittsburgh (I think that means no). But he has heard good feedback from Raine Maida from his favorite band Our Lady Peace. That’s pretty cool. Syesha is challenged by stage fright and she later tells us being the only girl in the top four in uncomfortable but at least the dudes are funny. David A is “duh.” And Jason says he’s challenged by his brain being dead. No kidding. Simon is wondering why he hasn’t been knighted and he needs to ask the Queen why this hasn’t happened. Ryan, why hasn’t Simon been knighted yet? Well, Simon may not be a knight but he thinks he’d make a great James Bond. Cowell, Simon Cowell. Nope, it doesn’t quite work. However, he often leaves the contestants shaken not stirred.

Maroon 5 is here to entertain us with their single “If I Never See You Again.” I kind of like Maroon 5’s pop-stylings and they’re good looking enough to be featured in Sassy’s (RIP) “Cute Band Alert.”

Speaking of cute, season 4’s runner-up Bo Bice is back and he’s singing his brand of Southern-fried rock with his song “Witness.” It’s great to see him singing music that really reflects who he is as an artist instead of the pallid dreck 19E forced on him for his first post-Idol CD. But he needs some deep oil conditioner for his hair, just sayin'.

Finally, finally, it’s time for the results. Well, it’s a good thing Jason packed his bags because he’s leaving us. Jason, you did give some notable performances. I adored your renditions of “Hallelujah” and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” They were lovely and heartfelt. But you lost something in the past few weeks. However, in retrospect, I realize that maybe your somewhat charming cluelessness didn’t make you a stoner; it makes you my cat.

Hear that people? Ryan says, “You must vote!” Really, Ryan? Or what? You’ll steal our lunch money and make us cry? It’s performance night, and this week’s theme is rock and roll. Will we get a rock and roll hall of fame or a rock and roll hall of shame? After a brief history of rock and roll-hey, it’s Les Paul-the contestants are ready to rock...or schlock.

David Cook sings Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf.” I was a big Duranie back in the day (shut up, don’t judge me. John Taylor was smokin’ hot.), so I’m interested in how David will sing one of the most iconic song of the video era. Well, this is not one of his best performances, but I’m not exactly cringing either. David gives this song a slight heavy metal vibe, which is entertaining, but for the most part he doesn’t stray too far from the original. This is a passable effort, but I’m hoping David’s next performance kicks things up a few notches.

Syesha is really excited about the upcoming tour because she thinks she won’t be judged. Oh, you will be judged, Syesha, oh yes you will. She sings Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary.” Syesha makes this song very Up With People. She just doesn’t bring any grit. She’s not so much Tina Turner as she is Tina Yothers. Still, she seemed to have fun during her performance and her voice was very strong. She’s hardly my favorite, but I know lots of people find her appealing.

Jason sings Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff.” Of course, he does. I’m not thrilled with Jason’s “frat boy at the coffee shop does reggae” style. His performance did not knock my socks off. There are 500 songs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and this is Jason’s pick? Not a good pick, Castro. Plus, I didn’t like the arrangement. The horns seemed too intrusive and overwhelmed Jason’s restrained vocals.

The Boy Who Would Be Idol, David A sings Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me.” Ah, yes, another inspirational song from the puppies and rainbows kid. David’s voice does sound lovely, but I can’t get into his High School Musical performance. To me, it’s immediately forgettable. Of course, the judges give David a tongue bath and I’m sure the tweeners can’t wait to text in their votes (and plaster their bedroom walls with posters of David).

Now it’s time for round two....

David C sings the Who’s “Baba O’Riley.” Though the song loses a bit of something being cut down to 1 1/2 minutes, I think David’s second performance far surpassed his first one. He gave the beginning a slightly soul-feel and then he fully rocked it out! And it’s good to see him with his Les Paul. Furthermore, he seemed to get into this song a lot more than his first one. He’ll make it to next week.

Syesha sings Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come.” Did she just compare her experience on AI with the Civil Rights movement? Not surprisingly, Syesha gives one of the most potent soul songs a very pageant-like vibe. I just zone out and think of other past Idol contestants who could have sung this song better than Syesha. Fantasia and Melinda Doolittle come to mind. I know they’d connect with the song. But Syesha just looks pretty. And her tears have no effect on me. I guess I have ice water in my veins.

For his second song, Jason sings Bob Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man.” A folk song is a better choice for Jason. Too bad he messed up the lyrics. I think Jason’s at the point where he just doesn’t care and he’s not giving it his all. He’s not truly Idol material; he’s a niche artist. Simon is right. Jason needs to pack up the bongs because he’s not long for this show. He’s on precarious ground.

Not surprisingly, the chosen one gets the pimp spot of the evening. David A sings Elvis Presley’s “Love Me Tender.” Did you expect the Sex Pistols “God Save the Queen?” David sounds fine, if a bit overwrought and seriously lacking stage presence. However, he’s probably the best off winning this show because he’s so clean cut, inoffensive and easily malleable-the perfect Idol winner. He makes Josh Groban look like Iggy Pop.

Well, performance night was a heaping bowl of ho-hum. All the great songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and this is what we got stuck with? It didn’t make me rock but it did make me roll my eyes. At this point of the game I expect so much more and I’m not getting it.

For the past three months we’ve seen the faces of David C, Brooke, Syesha, David A and Jason. But for some reason it seems like it’s been three years. After 45 million votes, one of the final five is leaving us. Yes, it’s results night on American Idol.

After the judges are introduced, the contestants do the group sing. Or as Ryan calls it, a tribute to Neil Diamond. Okay, Ryan, if that’s what you want to call it that. This is when I get a drink. Hello, bottle of Chardonnay. Come to mama!

Hey, remember Gina and Constantine from previous AI seasons? Right now they are hosting AI Extra, a chockfull of American Idol goodness. Gina is definitely earning her paycheck if she’s working with slimy Constantine. It doesn’t take much coaching from Ryan to get Constantine to give one of his patented eye shags to the camera. Oh great. Now my TV has genital warts.

Performance night was a bit odd for the judges. Well, it was a bit odd for Paula, but that’s every performance night. Despite her major snafu, she’s still a member of the AI (dysfunctional) family. I saw Paula on one of the cheesy entertainment shows and she said she was just following directions from the producers. If you ask me, she was following directions from Jim Beam.

Now it’s time for some results...

Jason is summoned. Despite some rather dull performances, he is safe. I guess being cute will take you far.

Now it’s time for David A. I swear my four-year-old nephew could take this kid in a fight. Well, no matter what. David A is also safe.

No, I will not be writing recaps for “So You Think You Can Dance.” I need a well-deserved break. Is it just me or does Nigel Lythgoe look like a Muppet?

After Randy shows off his modeling skills, we get back to the results. David C joins Ryan. He thinks Paula just gave him the kiss of death by saying he’s the next American Idol. Oh, that David is such a card! He’s also safe.

Not surprisingly, Syesha and Brooke are in the bottom two. Syesha claims song choice is difficult for her. Brooke tells us she’s finally in a happy place but it might be too late. However, it’s good she found the right meds. Ryan tells them to join their pals on the Sofa of Safety.

Natasha Bedingfield sings a song and I don’t bother to learn its name. Her eyeliner is quite heavy, isn’t it? Why is she shouting the chorus? Aww, David A just got his first kiss from a girl and in front of all of America.

Oh no, not again, the dreaded viewer calls. What did we learn this week, class? Well, Paula gives contestants a break because somebody has to. She’ll also do another video with Randy when he becomes an animated cat or dawg or squirrel. Squirrel? And we learn Simon had his first kiss with Tara when he was only nine. That is more than I need to know, Simon.

Time for the pimpmercial. The Idol-ettes sing “Catch the Wind.” This week’s message is “Keep it Clean. Keep in Green.”

Now it’s time for this week’s mentor, Neil Diamond, to push his latest CD. Yea, like anyone would go on this show out the goodness of their heart. He sings “Pretty Amazing Grace” and Kristy Lee, who’s in the audience, is like, “Hey, that’s my song. Oh wait, it’s not.” The kids in the mosh pit are probably saying to themselves, “My grandma loves this guy.”

Okay, finally we’re up to the announcement of this week’s bootee. Syehsa and Brooke join Ryan once again. Not surprisingly, Brooke is broken and has been voted off. I’ve liked Brooke from the beginning but she just wasn’t long for this competition. I hope some producer helps her access her inner Carole King and she makes a great CD.

Now do I dare ask what next week’s theme is?

It’s performance night and the final five will be singing the songs of Neil Diamond. Ryan asks the question of the ages. Which contestant will lose their cool? Um, I think the contestants lost their cool when they auditioned for this show.

Did you say hi to the voted-off Carly? Nope, me neither.

As mentioned, the top five will be singing the songs of Neil Diamond. After we get a brief retrospective of Neil’s career, which appeared to be quite sparkly, we learn the contestants will each sing two of Mr. Diamond’s songs. They now have ten chances to either entertain us or torment us.

During Jason’s moment with Neil, he starts singing the wrong lyrics to his song. Your Jeff Spicoli act is getting so tiring, Jason. He sings “Forever in Blue Jeans.” His voice isn’t very strong and he seems to be sleepwalking throughout it. However, this is probably the right song choice for Jason. I just wish he gave a rip.

David C gets Ryan to walk down memory lane. Somehow I am not surprised that the Seacrest family had a station wagon. Anyway, David performs and has his electric guitar. That alone makes me want to vote for him. He sings one of Neil’s lesser-known songs, “I’m Alive.” For the past two weeks, David has been a bit dark, so it’s good to see him totally rock out! I look forward to his next performance.

For the past few weeks, Brooke has been verging towards Frances Farmer territory. Well, apparently she’s on some anti-anxiety meds because she actually seems happy to be on-stage. She sings “I’m a Believer” and though she appears to be having loads of fun, her voice isn’t quite strong enough for this song. Plus, she comes across like she’s a host of a kiddie show found on a low-wattage Christian TV station. It’s just not that good.

David A is singing “Sweet Caroline.” This kid singing a song that Neil wrote about Caroline Kennedy when she was a little girl creeps me out. If he was wearing his leather pants from a couple of weeks ago I’d probably vomit. Though it’s good to see David sing a more upbeat song, I still find him boring. I know I shouldn’t harp on a kid, but I expect more at this point in the Idol game.

Syesha sings “Hello, Again.” Yes, once again, we say hello to Syesha. I just want to say good-bye and good riddance. Though she has a good voice, there is something so insincere under the pageant-like smile. Syesha is a black Katharine McPhee; she has a beautiful voice, but she’s just a hollow shell-a hollow shell that will kill anyone who gets in her path!!!! Just kidding…sort of.

After round one, the judges finally get to speak their piece. The only comments I care about are Simon’s. Paula is obviously blotto and can’t judge and write down comments at the same time. Apparently my job is safe.

Okay, it’s time for round two, because one round just isn’t enough.

Jason sings “September Morn,” which unbeknownst to him, is not the name of some wicked weed. This song is a bit more suited to Jason’s voice and he actually sounded pretty decent. But the last note seemed a bit off. Jason’s performance is pretty much forgettable a minute after he’s done. I’m rather bored with this guy. Being cute will take you only so far, Jason.

David C sings another lesser-known Neil song, “All I Really Need is You” and this time he accompanies himself on his trusty acoustic. I liked his first performance but this one is much better. He shows a lot of range in his voice, and always gives his performances his all without being an overly obnoxious Tracy Flick-type. Once again, I feel like I’m at a David concert. Keep it up, word nerd, and you just might win this dog and pony show.

Brooke sits down at the piano and sings “I Am, I Said.” She changes up the lyrics a bit but they don’t detract too much from the song. Brooke sounds much better this time out, and let’s her sweet vulnerability come through (we can’t all be tough like Joan Jett Brooke). The first song was totally karaoke, but this song let the real Brooke shine. Still, I think Brooke is on shaky ground. We can’t forget how she’s messed up previous performances.

David A sings “America.” “God Bless the USA” allowed this year’s cockroach, Kristy Lee, to survive another week, so singing a patriotic song will keep David around despite his performance being straight out of a middle school graduation ceremony. Plus, he’s got the squealing tweener vote. Rumor has it they totally wanted David to start dating Miley Cyrus until they found out she’s a total slut.

Syesha sings “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” Thank the Lord this boring show is almost over. I have three words for Syesha’s performance. Cruise.Ship.Singer. But did Paula just compare Syesha to the late Minnie Ripperton? Oh, no she didn’t!

Well, performance night was hot-buttered ass. It seemed disjointed and lifeless at the same time. Not surprisingly, David C’s performances were my favorite, and I was rather charmed by Brooke’s second performance but not enough to care if she goes. David A will survive another week much to my chagrin. I can’t work up to care about Jason anymore. And Syesha has worn out her welcome. Is it the finale yet?

After 38 million votes it’s time to find out who will be leaving the top six. Performance night featured the songs of Andrew Lloyd Webber, which turned out to be a trainwreck for some contestants and amazing performances for others (gee, guess who).

This week’s group sing is “All I Ask of You.” I usually snark on the group sings, but I actually liked this one. The harmonies were tight and there was no cheesy dance moves. I should be very grateful for small miracles like this.

Next Andrew Lloyd Webber sits a spell with Ryan. A lot of people bag on Lloyd Webber, but he added a pop rock element to musicals. If it wasn’t for Lloyd Webber, I doubt we’d have musicals like “Hair,” “Rent” and “Spring Awakening” if it wasn’t for his influence. And I saw “Cats” on Broadway, y’all.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, who was a great mentor, is very honest in his critique of the contestants. He praises Brooke for her great dress rehearsal performance (too bad she didn’t bring it to her live performance). It’s human to mess up in performances. Lloyd Webber also rips on Jason, but Jason is probably too zoned out to give a crap. Lloyd Webber also let’s us know the songs he would write for Paula and Simon’s affair to remember. I have a few title suggestions myself, but I can’t share them with polite company.

After a brief commercial break, we have the pimpmercial. The Idol-ettes sing Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” in spot inspired by comic books and Mad Max movies. I’m grooving on Brooke’s big 80s hair, but what is on Jason’s face? Do I dare ask?

Now it’s time to announce the first of the bottom two. Which contestant will be the first to sit on a Bedpan of Destiny?

The Double Ds (tee hee) David C and David A are summoned to join Ryan. To my beloved David C, unpredictable=sing the song the way it is written. David A says a bunch of gibberish. Apparently he’s taking public speaking lessons from Jason. However, this is not Toastmasters Idol, and both Davids are safe.

Jason cover your mouth when you yawn!

Simon has often bitched that some contestants are way too Broadway. Well, for some contestants this is a good thing. Tamyra Gray from season one is now lighting up the Great White Way in “Rent.” And season two’s Clay Aiken looks like a middle-aged soccer mom. Oh, and he’s also in “Spamalot.”

Now we’re up to Simon’s latest victim, I mean discovery, Leona Lewis. She sings “Bleeding Love” a song I am not that familiar with. Then again, I rarely listen to top 40 radio. I’m pretty much out of the loop. Actually, I just don’t care.

Okay, it’s time to bring out Syesha and Brooke. Syesha gave one of my favorite performances and Brooke totally disappointed me. Of course, that means Syesha is the in the bottom two and Brooke is safe.

Who’s left? Oh yes, Carly and Jason. They join Ryan. Something is not quite right in the universe for Carly is joining Syesha on a Bedpan of Destiny and Jason is safe. Apparently stoners all over America put down their bongs, set aside the cool ranch Doritos and voted like crazy for Jason.

Both Carly and Syesha sing their songs once again, and do tremendous jobs. Wouldn’t you know it? I start to like them a bit more just as one of them is about to leave. And it’s Carly who is leaving Idol. She takes this sad news in good spirits and doesn’t have the breakdown I thought she would. I wonder if Brooke is musing, “It should have been me. No, really, it should have been me.”

Next week is Neil Diamond week. If David A sings “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon” I will be disturbed on so many levels.

This week Idol is heading to Broadway and the Idol hopefuls get to sing the songs of the legendary Andrew Lloyd Weber. Weber, along with his partner Tim Rice, has composed music for famous musicals like “Jesus, Christ Superstar,” “Evita” and “Cats.” Will the contestants treat us to the “music of the night” or will we try to erase their performances from our “memory?” We shall soon find out.

I’ve been rather hard on Syesha in the past few weeks, but I always thought she had a Broadway musical side that needed to come out. Syesha sings “One Rock and Roll Too Many.” I loved this performance. Syesha sounded fabulous and really seemed to get into the song. Finally, she actually shows an emotional connection. She was saucy and fun; and I thought her flirtation with the band members was cute. Maybe she won’t grab the Idol crown, but I can definitely see her on Broadway. This was a great way to start the night.

Andrew Lloyd Weber has never written music for “Cheech and Chong: Up in Smoke-The Musical” so Jason has to sing “Memory.” Hmm, it almost looks like his dreds were made out of an old costume from “Cats.” Ew, this performance is not good. Jason’s laid-back, hippie vibe doesn’t translate well, and his lower register is really weak. This song ended up being an endless dirge. And you could tell Jason wasn’t not getting into the song and his performance.

Now I’ve been a fan of Brooke’s since I first saw her audition. I love her voice, her sweetness and her curly blonde hair. However, I did not really her rendition of “You Must Love Me.” Though Brooke has the tender vulnerability to connect with this song, she seemed to be so uncomfortable. Her voice sometimes faltered (and her start and stop in the beginning won’t help her), and I wonder if she’s cracking under the pressure. This makes me sad for her because she’s so talented. But a Broadway musical star she is not. And she may be in danger of getting voted off.

After getting a hug from some of his tweener fans, David A sings “Think of Me.” David has the vocal chops but he is the performing equivalent of Ambien. He’s just so dull. And must he sing a ballad once again? David, you’re a young guy. Sing something fun and upbeat, kiddo! Well, at least he’s not wearing leather pants. I should be grateful for that. But could he please can it with the “Arm Reach of Sensitivity?” It’s so boy-bandish and cheesy.

Though I love Carly’s vocal prowess, I find her way too desperate as a performer. However, this changes after she sings “Jesus Christ, Superstar.” It was a treat to see Carly really get into a performance, rock out and have a ball on stage. Finally, she didn’t come across as “please love me” mess. I loved how her big, bluesy voice just belted the song out. I hope this performance keeps Carly in the competition. And I loved her boots and her bracelet. The dress? Not so much.

Already privy to some of David C’s high school musical theater performances (thanks to YouTube), I knew he’d do a great job with this theme. David sings “Music of the Night” and absolutely owns this song!!! He caressed the song in the softer parts and really belted when needed. He got the lyrics, and it never became an embarrassing karaoke performance. Some people have compared David to the DAUGHTRY, but DAUGHTRY couldn’t handle a Broadway song. Maybe because there isn’t a Nickelback version of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.” David has surpassed the DAUGHTRY. He is so much more than a rocker. This was another star-making performance and probably the best of the night.

AI started off strong and ended up even stronger. Too bad there was so much meh in the middle. David C was my favorite, but I also loved Syesha and Carly. Jason and Brooke really disappointed me and I think either one could leave us this week. And whether I like it or not, David A will stick around for another week.

After 36 million votes, we have arrived on results night. Which six Idol-ettes will stay, and who will leave us? But before we get to that, Idol has some business to attend to. Mariah Carey is going to perform, as is Elliott Yamin. We’ll get to your important phone calls and loads of other wasteful filler.

Speaking of wasteful filler, it’s the group sing. The contestants sing Mariah’s hit with Boys II Men “One Sweet Day.” Mariah songs are a potpourri of glory notes, caterwauling and melisma. Brooke and Jason’s laid-back style seems to get lost, and Syesha tries to over power David C but I am immune to her charms. And is David A wearing a Members Only jacket? What are the stylists smoking?

Hey Idol watchers. Have you voted for this season’s Idol coronation song? I haven’t even listened to them. I’m too scared.

For the elimination process, Idol brings out the tired, old, “Let’s mess with people’s heads and put them into groups” card. Jason is put into one group, and David C is put into another. Kristy “Simon is a butt” Lee joins David C.

Before we get to more results, we get the latest pimpmercial. The contestants sing “I Want to Break Free” in a piece that combines “Office Space” with puppets. Yes, I too, have wanted to break the shackles of working for the man.

Ever the trouper, my boychik Elliott Yamin sings his latest single, “Free.” At the end of the song he shows us something written on his palm. It says, “We Miss You Mom.” Is Idol trying to make my tear ducts over time? I’m so glad Ryan acknowledged the sad passing of Mamaleh Yamin. I miss seeing her in the audience. She was the ideal Idol parent.

Now it’s time for more results. Syesha joins Jason and Carly. And after Brooke dedicates her performance to vegetarians every where, she joins David C and Kristy. Who’s left? Ah, yes, the chosen one, David A.

Oh gee, more calls? But we did learn some fascinating facts. Kristy Lee hasn’t bought back her horse but he has a good home. Randy’s first records were Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and James Brown. Paula’s first records were the Jackson 5, Earth, Wind and Fire, and Carole King. And Simon’s first record was Paula’s “Straight Up.” Children everywhere ask, “What are records?” What songs describe Paula’s relationship with Simon? Hmm, “Opposites Attract,” “Cold Hearted Snake” and “Straight Up.” Nope, I don’t want to contemplate that last song either. We also learn that Simon’s stable of critiques all lead to one thing; “your performance was horrible.” And David C is single! OMG!!!! Squee!!!! I wonder if he likes redheads?

Now it’s time for Mariah to sing her latest hit, “Bye-Bye.” Why must this nearly 40-year-old woman write songs like she’s still in kindergarten? With all the money it took to bedazzle her microphone and mic stand, Mariah could have bought an actual dress. She’s the Diva Barbie.

Finally, David A is brought out on stage. He is announced safe. Gee, aren’t you shocked? David C and Syesha are asked to switch places. Hmm, interesting. But David A is asked to choose the safe group. Shouldn’t this be played out by now? David A sits on the floor. He’s not choosing any group. Yea, that will teach them! We soon learn David C, Carly and Jason are safe.

That means Kristy Lee, Brooke and Syesha and bottom three. Just as she’s about to have a nervous breakdown, Brooke is announced safe. Syesha is also safe. Yes, that means Kristy Lee is finally going home. She couldn’t last “forever.” Maybe she can get her horse back. But watching her serenade Simon really creeped me out.

Still trying to get over losing Michael Johns last week, Idol soldiers on another week. This week’s theme is the songs of Mariah Carey. In other words, it’s going to be a week of glory notes, melisima and caterwauling. Ms. Carey has had 18 number one hits, and I can’t name one of them. But my lack of Mariah Carey knowledge doesn’t matter. Looking like Olivia Newton-John in “Grease” (after the slutty makeover), Mimi gives our fearless contenders some advice on how to deliver her songs.

If David A is getting a tongue bath from the judges, then it must be Tuesday. David sings “Believe.” Technically, he sounds wonderful, but he is so soulless. He’s like this perfect little show pony who does what he’s told, but adds none of his own personality and character to his performances. But he’s sweet and inoffensive so I’m sure he’ll survive another week. But am I the only one disturbed to see a kid not even old enough to vote wearing leather pants?

Wow, I actually like what Carly is wearing this week. I guess she found a stylist who doesn’t hate her tattooed ass. Carly sings “Can’t Live (If Living is Without You.”) Well, I can live without Carly. I usually like her voice, but her desperation just jumps off the screen and slaps me in the face. Plus, I thought she sounded way too screechy in this performance, but that is to be expected when you’re singing the Mariah Carey songbook. Hey, look! It’s her husband Darth Maul!

Syesha is up next and she sings “Vanishing.” Oh, Syesha. Don’t give me any ideas. Actually, Syesha is probably born to sing Mariah songs considering she lives for delivering glory notes. Surprisingly, I wasn’t too offended by Syesha this week. I thought she sounded pretty good. She does have decent pipes. I just wish she’d tone down the beauty queen pageant vibes. And I think singing a not very well known Mariah song may work for her or against her. Not many people have heard the original and may vote for Syesha on her own merits. Or people may zone out because they’re not familiar with the song at all. Plus, going third might make Syesha forgettable.

Brooke is still kind of bummed over missing her sister’s wedding. Yea, Brooke, but you were spared from wearing an ugly bridesmaid dress with a big bow on the butt. Brooke sings “Hero” and gives it a spare and elegant Carole King vibe I like. I’m not the biggest fan of this song. It’s too high school graduation song. My idea of a high school graduation song is the Ramones’ “Rock and Roll High School.” But I digress. Though Brooke sounds a bit rushed during the bridge, I do like her performance. Simon says that it’s like her ordered a hamburger but all he got was the bun. Well, some of us like carbs!

I’m not aware of Mariah ever covering “Amazing Grace” or “God Bless the USA” so Kristy Lee ends up singing “Forever.” I feel like Kristy Lee has been on this show forever, and it’s getting tired. She has a very weak lower register but seems to get going once she hits the chorus. I’m not thrilled by Kristy Lee’s performance, but I’m not exactly offended either. It takes Paula 835 words to critique Kristy Lee. No wonder this show goes over time.

Hey look, it’s Ramiele, and Ryan looking like a complete dork in a hat!!!

This has been a very bittersweet week for David C. His brother Adam has terminal cancer and was flown to LA via medi-vac to see his baby brother perform. David C is a true pro and sings “Always Be My Baby.” It sounds a bit rough at the beginning, and I wonder if David will pull through. But then he really gets going, and gives a very memorable performance. David makes this poppy hit into a chilling stalker vibe, and I can actually imagine this as a cover on a future David album. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who got teary-eyed over seeing David’s brother in the audience.

Jason gets the pimp spot and sings “I Don’t Wanna Cry.” Jason makes this song sound completely fresh and new, but he seems awkward without his guitar (or ukulele). Still, I like his performance. I was a bit worried how he’d handle Mariah week, but my fears were unfounded. Jason held his own. Plus, going last will keep him in the audience’s memory. I’m hoping he survives another week.

In the end, Mariah week didn’t turn out to be a disaster of epic proportions that I thought it would be. Ironically, I thought our more laid back contestants, Brooke and Jason, might be out of their element but I really like their performances. I was confused on what song David C could sing but once again, he really surprised me. Despite finding him boring, I don’t think David A is going anywhere or else heads will probably roll. Syesha was in her element, but she might get forgotten in the shuffle. Kristy Lee is like a cockroach. We can’t get rid of her. I think Carly might be leaving us.

Recovered of all of the Idol do-gooding, it’s time for AI to do what it does best, giving some loser the boot.

First we get an overview of the previous evening’s “Idol Gives Back.” Please give the stage manager who got to feel up Brad Pitt her own show. She’s a million times funnier than Robin Williams.

Now it’s deja vu all over again, and the Idol contestants are singing “Shout to the Lord.” Kristy Lee is dressed like she’s working the bar at Coyote Ugly, and Brooke looks like she’s about to pick up the kids from soccer practice. You’ve got to love the variety.

Um, Zach and Cody who?

Before we get to the results we get to see a video featuring celebs lip synching and er, um, dancing to the Monkee’s “I’m a Believer.” Hey, it’s the dude who played the Commish!

After getting over 31 million votes, it’s time to bring the Idols to the Seal of Doom to learn if they’ll be taking a seat of the Sofa of Safety or plunking their behinds on the Bedpans of Destiny. Good news and bad news for Brooke. Good news is she’s safe, but bad news, she’s going to miss her sister’s wedding. David C is also safe, and you know our favorite word nerd is trying to figure out synonyms for pompous, arrogant and smug. I’ll give you two, David-Chris Daughtry. Oh, by the way, David A is also safe. Tweeners and grandmas all over America rejoice.

Sister Dominguez, who looks after those orphans in Angola, is my Idol.

Last season’s winner, Jordin Sparks, joins hit maker Chris Brown on their hit duet “No Air.” After their performance, Jordin is presented with all her gold and platinum bling. Ryan mentions that American Idol does work. Yea, try telling that to Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks.

This week’s Ford pimpmercial is a tie-dyed and psychedelic trip. You know Jason was totally digging it.

What’s this? More results? Jason is safe and so is Kristy Lee. Michael, Carly and Syesha are left with egg on their faces. Yes, they are in the bottom three. What are my thoughts? Hmm. dream on, Michael? Ah, it might be more of a dream off. The show must go on, Carly? Oh, the irony. And Syesha, I believe I never want to see you again.

After a brief commercial break, we finally find out the results. Carly and Syesha are safe. It’s probably a good thing Carly is safe because I do not want to see her barf all over the stage. And just who is voting for Syesha? I must study these people.

In an Idol shocker, Michael is leaving us. The hottie from Down Under is over and out, and in rather brutal fashion. That was cold, Seacrest. But, I’m just glad Idol didn’t go over so I wouldn’t miss the first few minutes of “The Office.”

I’ve decided not to write a full recap of “Idol Gives Back.” I’m on a lethal cocktail of ibuprofen and Riesling (or as Paula calls it, “Lunch”) so I just want to sit back, relax and watch the show. However, I will make a few comments about the highlights and lowlights.

The crew from “So You Think You Can Dance?” join the Idol contestants in the opening number, and totally blow them out of the water. I was totally thrilled by their dance moves, and the Idol-ettes just got lost in the shuffle. But what was Brooke wearing? A girl’s gym suit from 1959? And Ryan? Don’t ever dance again!

During the evening, countless celebrities will plead for us to give to Idol Gives Back. Many we are already familiar with, but who is Mary Murphy and why is she screaming at me?

The cost of Snoop Dogg’s bling could feed an entire African village for a year or pay for several kids to go to a State U.

Listening to Terry Hatcher sing is less painful than seeing her kiss Ryan Seacrest.

Billy Crystal and Miley Cyrus meet. Well, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. But was it really necessary for Miley to end up singing two songs? Especially when she can’t actually sing?

The Idol contestants are really earning their keep. They’re answering the phones. I should have called, and hopefully I could have gotten Ryan to say, “Golightly Grrl writes the best American Idol recaps ever!” What? Too self-serving?

I got to admit I really enjoyed Fergie joining forces with Heart on the blistering hot “Barracuda.” Wow, two one-handed cartwheels, Fergie? Color me impressed!

I think I can sum up Jimmy Kimmel’s roast of Simon in a few short words. Nipples, pepper mills, Olsen twins.

I totally loved the contestants singing “Seasons of Love” from “Rent.” Jason actually looks like he could be in “Rent.” David A looks like he could be in the Disney version of “Rent.”

We’re introduced to the recently crowned “Russian Idol” who turns out to be a very unfunny Robin Williams, complete with ugly shirt.

Throughout the evening, we learn about the good causes Idol is trying to help and the issues people in the United States and Africa are facing. I’m thrilled to see plenty of Bono. But one question, Bono. When is the next U2 album coming out? It’s been nearly four years. I can’t wait any longer.

Towards the end of the evening, Mariah Carey sings “Fly Like a Bird.” So nice for you to dress up, Mimi.

The Idol Contestants, dressed in white and accompanied by the Robed Choir of Absolute Sincerity, sing “Shout to the Lord.” Thursday night, the booted Idol will be shouting something else.

This week we’ll be overdosing on American Idol. Tuesday night is performance night, Wednesday night is “Idol Gives Back” and on Thursday we’ll be given the results. Can we handle all the excitement? Speaking of excitement, this week’s theme is “inspiration.” I have an uneasy feeling about this.

Michael is up first. He sings Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” Yes, nothing says “inspiration” like a 1970s drugged out of his skull Steven Tyler. I really like Michael’s performance last week, but this week? Hmm, I’m not feeling it. Michael’s voice sounds good (except for the unfortunate falsetto at the end), but I feel he’s playing rock star rather than actually being one. I notice that he’s wearing an ascot again. And is he growing a mullet? An ascot and a mullet? I guess Michael will be having tea and crumpets with some Jerry Springer guests after the show.

Before Syesha sings she gives us the “Ramiele Report,” which is a lot more interesting that her actual performance. Syesha sings Fantasia’s “I Believe.” What? No Whitney? It’s usually not a good choice to sing a notable song by an Idol winner. Syesha has a beautiful voice, but she’s all technique, no soul and conviction. What makes Fantasia such a good performer is how she digs down deep to really feel the song. With Syesha, I feel we’ve seen performers like her a million times. She’s not unique, but a glory note at the end might get her some votes.

Jason sings the Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” The ukulele could be a gimmicky prop, but it really works with this version of the song. Jason sings this song beautifully, and it’s really touching in its simplicity. In fact, I would have liked to hear Jason sing this without the band. What I liked about his performance is he actually seemed to take it seriously without being all, “Dude...” I can actually imagine this song being on a future Jason CD.

What? Kristy Lee isn’t going to sing “Amazing Grace” again? I thought that was her safety song. Instead Kristy Lee sings Martina McBride’s “Anyway.” Yep, this is my cue to go to the bathroom. However the judges like her performance. I’m not surprised because she’s this season’s country singer. She’s kind of a low-rent Carrie Underwood, if Carrie Underwood had nearly zilch talent.

Our Lady Peace is one of David C’s favorite bands so he sings their song “Innocent.” Hmm, I’ve been a fan of David’s for quite a while but I wasn’t a fan of this performance. David’s voice didn’t sound so hot and I felt that his performance was way too bombastic. I wonder what it would have been like if he would have taken it down a few notches. And though I like the idea of giving back, I wonder if David writing “Give Back” on his hand might come across as way too pretentious. But at least he can take criticism like an adult without having a huge puss on his face or smarting off to the judges.

Carly sings Queen’s “The Show Must Go On.” Actually, I think the show can stop right now. I’m just not feeling tonight’s performances. Carly usually sings well but she seemed to lack control during her performance and she came across totally pissed-off. Plus she is so desperate when she performs that it makes me uncomfortable. This is the week of inspiration, not perspiration. Don’t let them see you sweat, Carly.

David A sings “Angels” by British pop star Robbie Williams. Apparently this song was a hit everywhere but the United States. David plays the piano and sings perfectly fine, but it’s such a dull song with some very clichéd lyrics. In other words, “Angels” is the perfect AI coronation song. But being the chosen one, David will sail into next week. Grandmas and tweeners will be relentless in voting.

Brooke always gave me a low-key, folky Carole King vibe so it’s fitting that she sings Ms. King’s “You’ve Got a Friend.” Brooke sounds fairly decent and bonds well with the lyrics. Brooke does a passable job, which isn’t saying much on a night like this. I do have one question. Why is Brooke wearing the same dress my mother wore back in 1965 when she was doing the Twist at the Peppermint Lounge?

Wow, this night was the dullest of the dull. The only thing it inspired me to do was check my watch and stifle my yawns. I expected better, and it really seemed like most of the contestants were resting on their laurels. I hope they amp it up next week. However, I have a question. Did anyone think that guy hanging out at the judges’ table mid-show was Kenny G? Just me? Okay.